I used to hate the word fat. I have written about it numerous times about how the word makes no sense to me. Fat is more of a feeling than anything else. It is what uneducated people insult others with It is what others say to shut people down.
” Jesus! You are so fat!!!!!”
But I realized that society will probably look at me and others as fat forever. Maybe it is the loose skin. Maybe it is fear of the scale at times. Maybe it is the way I look at food. Maybe it is the way I would put my stats up on an online chat dating site……
F- A/S/L please
F- Height and weight?
Me- Um…5 ft. 6 and over 200 pounds
F- Oh, well…my boyfriend is calling me. GTG!
Me- WAIT! I can squat 375 pounds!
The truth is I am not fat. Not anymore. Not since I got my life back.
The worst fat insults are those when you look in the mirror. I remember looking in the mirror at 420 pounds with disgust. Not because of my weight but what I became. I could not really do anything without a little assistance. I mean, I could wipe myself in the bathroom but needed to angle myself a little bit on the tub. I could pick up change off the ground. It took a few extra minutes to get down and get up but I could do it.
But when I got on track I was not fat. When I was able to finally buckle a seat belt without an extender…I was not fat. When I was able to wipe myself I was not fat. When I got the courage to finally continue to go to the gym I was not fat. Not in my mind. The most important mind in my life.
When I got down to 198 pounds I was done losing weight. I was more than happy with losing 221 pounds. Yet, society looked at me differently. As I have said in the past, Weight Watchers did not want anything to do with me because I was not 165 pounds. No ads, no job…nothing. I was not okay with it then. Prevention magazine passed on my story. Yahoo did as well. Men’s Health never answered my letters. Not many people did. I did get one story in AOL which I hate because it sensationalizes my eating……
And one other in CNN because of Susan Boyle. Yes, the “OMG…UGLY PEOPLE CAN SING!” period in reality talent shows.
But I have been now doing this for five years. Yes, I started my journey or diet or whatever this thing is in 2008. I laugh about it now that I thought I would be normal after losing all the weight. Someone who ate 14 frozen dinners at one sitting and once ate an Oreo that was on the ground would all of the sudden magically figure it all out after losing weight.
Well, I have. And I have not.
That is the thing. I know I will always struggle with food. It does not go away. So many people told me it has. Maybe for them but not for me. Because when we lost the baby last year I ate. I was down a lot of weight at the time. All I did was eat a Fiber One bar. And it turned into so much more.
People love to hear success stories. I love to hear about the failures and the “what now?”. I am still down close to 200 pounds. I would not be lying to you if I said that I eat healthy, I workout everyday and I have kept off most of my weight for close to five years.
I also would be missing the most important fact….
I STRUGGLE ALL THE TIME.
I still fool myself. I still think I am strong enough to eat a trigger food. And why not? I lost a ton of weight.
Food is a bitch. No other way to say that.
That is not the point of all of this. But maybe it is?
See, I truly thought that people in weight loss, the inspirations, had to be skinny. They had to have six pack abs and wear spandex. The women had to wear bikinis and heels and say “PEOPLE! DO NOT BLAME FOOD! BLAME YOURSELF!!!”
Or the guys who wear Under Armour everything and yell “FEEL THE BURN!” Feel the burn? Who you been sleeping with?
But see, I have had a lifetime of struggle. I have more loose skin than a Thanksgiving turkey and my stretch marks are everywhere. I have a muffin top and I am bald.
And if you do not think I see the awesomeness in the mirror everyday, you are mistaken.
Because fat people can inspire others. Fat people can inspire themselves. This year I have really come to my own with my writing. I have really been pleased with Facebook and so many other things. I look at the hotnesses at the gym and wonder if they inspire. Not only that, but I wonder if they have any idea that I inspire. Inspire myself to the point of no return.
I have had an incredible successful 2012 with my weight. The loose skin is there. So is the baldness. I still weigh over 200 pounds. The most amazing thing is that society might call me fat.
I am okay with that. Fat people can inspire others in weight loss.
But when I look in the mirror, ever since I weighed 353 pounds and was able to wipe myself….I do not see a fat man.
I see greatness. And I am proud to have shown it to others.