I started off 2011 great. I have been working out for the last two year after losing over 200 pounds. I knew there would be some weight gain with gaining muscle but I was okay with it. I was eating pretty good so it was not an issue. Was I tracking all of my food….no. I am not a big tracker. I forget to write a lot of things down. But in my mind I knew that if I eat the right foods good things would come.
I got a little sidetracked as well during that process. I would eat some foods I probably should not have. I have some pretty sugary jerky and some protein powders as well. I got up to around 255 pounds and I knew it was time.
And I started to lose weight. I was diligent as always. I do not know how to do a lot of things in life, but weight loss is not one of them. I am a pro.
I was down a good amount of weight. I planned on being 190 pounds by the end of the year. I had a good amount of muscle that I put on. I always hated being short but I learned that if I can pack on fat…..then I can pack on muscle.
I was down to around 230 pounds…….
Then tragedy struck.
I do not like talking about it. I wrote about it one time. It was supposed to be an exciting visit. It was not. I did not need to be stuck in downtown Orlando traffic because the Casey Anthony verdict was in. I did not need doctors arguing. I did not not need to see my wife devastated. I did not need to be devastated.
And after all of it, I was scared.
I was doing good at first. When my wife and I realized life needed to go on I would make time to go back to the gym. I will tell you, the gym is wonderful. I know people have their own opinions on it, but I never need any kind of motivation to go.
The gym was not my problem. What started to happen was I looked to food. What started out as a Fiber One 90 calorie bar would turn into a lot more. Sure, I would eat a lot of fruits and vegetables but I would look to food for comfort.
Why? Why did I do that? I know the devastation food has on me. I am not like everyone else. I am a food addict. I do not say it to be cute or to get attention. I eat to eat. I can control it at times but there are times I cannot.
So although I went to the gym, I looked to food for something. I would eat things I have not in years. I am going to beat myself up about it. Because I knew better.
The funny thing was I have a real good metabolism. My body burns more than 4500 calories a day. Yet, it could not keep up with my eating.
Everyday I told myself that I would go back tomorrow. You have heard this from me before. Tomorrow is a lie. Tomorrow is a lie for an addict. It is a stall tactic to do the things you should not do today.
Then this year I was shaving and I looked in the mirror. I looked the same although I have not weighed myself in a few months. So I went on the scale.
Believe it or not, that is pretty amazing. Most times I gain back all of my weight that I lose in months. I did not this time. Maybe it was from working out? Maybe it was from eating a lot of fruits and veggies?
Who knows? But after I weighed myself I looked in the mirror again. And I said….
“Tragedy is not an excuse.”
I am a selfish person. Most addicts are. But I refuse to ever see my wife cry over my weight. I refuse to ever look at my son and tell him I cannot do something because of my weight. I refuse to let an addiction run my life.
I do not want to be one of those people who are morbidly obese and look for saviors. Where Jillian Michaels, Bill Phillips, Bob Harper, Richard Simmons, and so many other are prophets. I know what it takes to do it. I do not whine about it. In fact, as hard as this last year was, I did not struggle.
Struggling is being lost. I was lost for a long time. When I was over 400 pounds I was lost. I was looking for answers in so many different places. I could not find them. The problem is I always knew the answer for me.
There is a saying kids say now called “YOLO” (You only live once) and I think people say that when they overeat. I can not live the “YOLO” life. There is a difference between getting hit by a bus and running in the street everyday. There is a difference in getting shot and playing Russian Roulette.
I am not playing anymore.
So I woke up this year and made some decisions. Hard ones. The way I am going to eat for the rest of my life. The way I am going to be active for the rest of my life. I refused to write a post until I had it figured out. I have written enough wishy washy things.
So now I weight a lot less than 272 pounds. I will be around 190 by the end of the year. If not, real close. I will be putting up some new pictures as well soon.
There is a hole in my heart.There always will be now. I have a great wife and son and a wonderful family. I have endless possibilities with my life. Until four years ago I never wrote anything. Until a couple years ago I never motivated anyone. Until last year, I did not realize how strong I was.
But tragedy is not an excuse to gain weight. It is not an excuse to fail. It is not an excuse to let addictions run my life.
Not for me.