I have never been a fan of the word fat. Maybe because it does not make sense to me. Sure, I am fat. I have been for some time. But I think that the word fat has been saturated now. People love to burn and lose it. There are other creative ways of saying someone is overweight. Fat is a word people use on other people who really are not fat.
Fat is not the worst word in the weight loss vocabulary. I thought it was for a long time then last year I changed my mind on it. No one truly wants to be fat. Fat is very relative. A 110 pound woman can be “fat” and so can a 320 pounds man. It seems like it is more of a feeling. Like after you eat a lot…..you feel fat.
No, fat is not the worst in my mind. I am truly not a fan of the word skinny.
Everyone wants to be skinny. Maybe not so much now with the “healthy” craze going on. But for so long I wanted skinny in my life.
I do not know what skinny is. I never have.
Growing up overweight was tough. Being a kid in general is tough. Clothes never fit me right, I was always the largest person in the room, and I felt people stared at me all the time. Yet, I functioned. I was able to do things that “normal skinny” kids did. I could run, just much slower. I could go to dances, just I would stand on the side a little more. I would get rejected by girls just like other kids. I blamed my weight for that but maybe it was more of my awkwardness.
The only difference is that in my mind… “skinny” would have changed everything.
Skinny was heaven.
I always wanted to be skinny. In fact, if you ask any overweight person what they want to be, they will say skinny. Skinny is a life changer. The nicest compliment you can say to someone losing weight is that they look skinny.
So I chased skinny my whole life.
In high school I lost over 80 pounds. In fact, I can remember wearing size 30 pants. Yet, I was not skinny. Not in my eyes. I got the world famous “You are way too skinny” from so many people. It did not matter, I knew. I knew what skinny was, and I was not there.
Yet, I gave up. I went back to my old ways and gained back the weight. I would lose and gain…..gain and lose for many many years.
At 400 pounds, I finally knew what morbidly obese was. You think that life is tough at 200 pounds when girls laugh at you. You think that life is tough when you are putting on a 2XL shirt at 275 pounds.
At 5 foot 6 and 400 pounds, I functioned. Barely. I look back and wonder why I let myself get to that point. There was a point when I just could not put on a seat belt. I could not wipe in the bathroom one day. Walking became a choir. Being a good husband was not happening. Dying seemed like a better option than living at times.
I remember looking at an old picture of myself. I must have been 340 pounds in the picture. I looked at it, and I looked skinny. To me, I looked skinny.
That is what skinny became to me. Skinny is a picture from the past. Although I felt fat in the picture, looking back I was skinny. Skinny is other people. Skinny is magazine pictures. Skinny is a dream. Skinny is not a reality.
When I started to lose weight, I did not want to be skinny. Of course I wanted to be healthier and reassure my wife I would be around, but my main goal was to get back my life. To do the things that most people take for granted.
At 350 pounds, I got back most of my life. The seat belt fit, although tight. I was able to function in the bathroom, although I sweat through it. Living was more important than dying.
After losing more weight, more things because easy. Clothes fit, workouts were more fun, and social setting became less awkward.
2011 was a rough year for me. I made more of a commitment in 2012 for me. I do not know the exact weight I will end up. I do know I will not be skinny.
I do not need to chase skinny anymore. That is just for pictures.