While at work yesterday, I was walking when I heard someone say in the background
“What’s up Porky?”
I did not turn around. There was no need for me to turn around……….
It was a guest hugging his friend, who I guess he has not seen in a while.
For the first time, I knew the guest was not talking to me. I was not the “Chubs” he was referring to. Whether people think I am overweight or not does not matter to me. Not like it used to. I know I have worked hard enough to know better.
One of the hardest parts of this journey is realizing I am not “fat” anymore. I hate the word “fat”. Not because it is insulting, but it is so uncreative. There are so many other words to say. I do not like it not because people called me that when I was 420 pounds. I hate it because kids used it on a 100 pound girl with very low self esteem. Husbands use it to insult wives. The word makes no sense.
It sounds stupid, but so true.
Growing up, I was the “Jolly-Funny” one. Not “Jerry Seinfeld” funny or “Eddie Murphy” funny, but “Chris Farley” funny.
I was the guy that used to do the “Fat Guy in a Little Coat” routine to make the cute girls laugh. I used to do the “Truffle Shuffle” so I would not get beat up. In fact, I would do anything not to be made fun of first.
I can do a “dead on” impression of Cartman from Southpark, and I dressed like “Uncle Buck” for Halloween.
I hated every single minute of it.
I hated it because I have no idea why people get this impression that overweight people are funny? I was and still am an angry person. I do not have a good personality. I do not even know what that means. Actually, I do….
Good Personality = Overweight friend
I hated the fact that I humiliated myself just to be accepted. I insulted myself so that people would like me.
I stood against the wall at parties. I was there to do the “You have been here for four hours Chinese Buffet” routine. You know, the overweight guy making fun of the overweight guy.
Yet, through so many years of humiliation, I knew one day something would click. I always knew that I was a strong willed person. I was dedicated, but in so many wrong ways. Not sure why it took over 30 years, but it did. No matter how much I struggle, I am not the same guy I once was.
I always thought it was weird that I ate $40 worth of Taco bell at 2am. Why couldn’t I just take that energy and do something positive for myself. Why didn’t I think more about losing weight than wondering what my next meal was?
I changed the way I look at food and exercise. It was three months, then six. There were peaks and valleys. I am in a good place. Maybe I am “fat”? Not in my mind. The place it matters most.
I love that!
One of the weird things is that I have always been overweight. I do not know what skinny feels like or is. Yet, there are people who do. The popular cheerleaders from high school and the good looking football players who I performed for. The people who felt sad for me and said they would NEVER be overweight. It is so easy to be skinny!
Some are lost now. They woke up and cannot fit into pants they once could. Their spouses are looking at them different. They have no idea how they got to become overweight. It is not very easy. It should be. I mean, chicken is healthy, right? Move more, right? Hydroxycut…..right?
Honestly, those are the people who I try to give email advice to the most. Because no one deserves to be lost in Porkyville.
The truth is I hurt for so many years. I did not do this “journey” to prove people wrong.
I did this to prove myself right.
And I know how much I struggle…I will always land on my feet.