I hate the word beautiful.I have heard the word my whole life and I hear it all the time with weight loss. How people are beautiful.
To me, beautiful is a word that skinny people tell overweight people to make them feel better about themselves. All my life people have called me beautiful. I have a beautiful personality. I have a beautiful heart. I have a lot of beauty inside.
Beautiful is an empty word to me. The truth is, I do not have the best personality. People who know me are aware of this. I am very shy in social settings. I get very angry over dumb things and do not worry about huge issues. Honestly, I just like to keep to myself.
When people said I had a beautiful heart, they were wrong. It was covered with fat. In fact, the doctor gave me medication just to keep it pumping. I cared more about eating food than anything else. How could I care about anything else?
I have anger inside. Anger from people thinking all overweight guys are funny like Chris Farley. Anger from people telling me how easy losing weight is. Anger from attractive people telling me that being good looking is a curse. Anger from so much money spent on banning Happy Meals as solving childhood obesity.
I thought after losing the weight it would go away. I have seen others who lost weight and lost their anger. Mine stayed with me.
I still look at infomercials for weight loss and get angry. I get angry when I see those “tough trainers” who have no idea what it is like to not be able to use a urinal standing up. I still get mad when people try to give “tough love” which might be the dumbest form of help ever.
For a long time I was upset that I still had the anger. I did not think that after thirty years of being obese it would have stayed with me. I did not think that I would view things completely different than others for the rest of my life. I did not realize that I would STILL “Rain Man” food.
“Lets get some pizza!”
“Yeah, pizza, 360…369 calories, 14 grams of fat, 30 grams of carbs. Yeah, too heavy!”
But I do.
I have blogged for four years now. Two years ago I got a message that I did not want to help people based on my writing. It bothered me. So I tried to be like everyone else. I did challenges. I tried to be more involved. I even tried to give advice.
None of it worked for me. Challenges are great until they start. My advice was always “wrong”. The more involved I got, the more intrusive I felt on others.
That is not what my blog is about. That is not what I am about.
I think I have been helping others without realizing it. By telling stories of being overweight. By telling stories of the gym. I want people to read my blog. If I did not, then I would write a diary and put it under my bed.
I am writing this because I realized that this year I have written at least a dozen times that a guy could never be a popular or great weight loss blogger. I said that they do not have the compassion or the community backing.
I am wrong. I think any unique blogger could be popular if they stay true to themselves.
So 2011 was not the best year for me. But I have really been thinking about 2012.
I will say, I am not beautiful. I am not working on being beautiful…..
I am just trying to work hard to be “Extremely doable”.