My son does this thing where he will run around the house on his tip toes. He started doing this a few months ago and it just comes out randomly.

I do not understand why he does it. I ask him all the time why he does it and he just laughs and runs on his tip toes. Finally my wife got annoyed with me asking every time, so she just answered for him.

“He does it because he can.”

It was right around the time we moved to Orlando,FL in 2003. We just moved into our new apartment. I went to the bathroom and while sitting down went to wipe myself. I noticed that I was not able to reach. I tried again and could not. So I stood up and wiped my a**. It was a struggle but I was able to do it. I was around 350 pounds at the time.

It scared me a little bit. Actually it scared me a lot. You always hear about people losing weight for various reasons. Yet, you do not realize that all of the sudden you are not able to do normal things. Well, until you are not able to.

Yet, it did not scare me enough to lose weight. I was still able to wipe although it was a struggle. My eating was still out of control. I would eat whole pizzas for a snack. I would go from fast food restaurant to fast food restaurant. I would have a plate of food in front of me and get sad because it was not enough.

It got rougher to go to the bathroom. It got to a point where I was not able to wipe myself just standing up. I had to put my foot on the toilet seat to guide my hand. Then I could not get my foot up so high, so I used a small step stool.

When I could not do that, I maneuvered myself on our bed. Gross I know.

Yet, as bad as it got I ate. I was not able to use the bathroom except at home. Sure I was able to pee in a handicap stall yet there was a fear.

But I ate. And ate.

The memories are still vivid in my mind. I do not ever want to forget. I do not want to forget getting bigger shoes because they fit better. I do not want to forget walking by change I dropped because I could not afford to have ripped pants. I do not want to forget not being able to put on socks.  I do not want to forget being over 400 pounds.

Because for me, once I do, I will be 400 pounds again. It does not consume me like it once did. But my “success” is remembering my “failures”. The smell of a pizza is not as good as working out for me. The thing is, the pizza smells damn good.

I happily admit that like most others who read my blog, I struggle with food. I probably always will, but it will not hold me back.

But I know it now. I know I can do something about it. I have proven it.

I also know that I do not worry about small things. The scale is a great tool, but as long as I can live a normal life, one I did not have, it is just a tool. Fitness is a huge part of my life.

I thought about all of  this today because a couple of days ago I was walking around work. I usually walk with both of my hands behind my back.

Someone came up to me and told me I looked like a dictator doing that. He asked why do I walk like that.

I did not answer because I can.

I told him because I couldn’t.

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