“I Liked You Better When You Were Fat”
“I liked you better when you were fat.”
I have heard this three times in my life. Once when I was young and lost weight, and twice as an adult. I remember hearing it for the first time as a kid and feeling bad.
Did I change? Was I nicer, more down to earth as an obese child?
When I heard it as an adult I was angered. I realized that there is no bigger insult to someone who lost weight.
Obesity took away every bit of self esteem I had. Every thought of making it in the world was hindered because I could not say no. Every shred of strength I had was lost when I could not start a diet, or say no to food.
I wanted people to like me. Everyone in some way does. At 420 pounds, the best way to do it is to make fun of yourself first.
Sure, there were some people who were nice. I remember one girl at work who was always nice to me. Then one day someone called me “Uncle Fester” because I was bald and fat and she started to laugh.
“Ohhhhh….you are terrible. Tee Hee”
You learn in life that people who laugh at your expense are worse than the people who make fun of you.
It did not matter. I would beat people to the punch. I would dance around because it looked silly. I would do impressions of Chris Farley and Cartman. Anything to get people not to be disgusted by me.
What part did people like about me when I was fat? How I truly felt like I was going to die? How I hated everything about me? What?
People think that “fat” people are “jolly”. I wasn’t. I was a hard working no nonsense person with over 200 extra pounds of fat on me. Yet, it was easy to turn my life into a joke.
When I lost weight, I did not have to be the life of the party. I did not have to make fun of myself. I could be the person I always was.
Maybe I was not always that nice? There is a joke that goes like this……
“What do you call an overweight person who is an a**hole?”
“A skinny a**hole.”
So why would someone like me better when I was fat? Did I make them feel better about themselves? Did the horror of my life make them feel good?
When people made fun of me, were they glad it was not about them?
People are weird. They want you to lose weight, then you get into that “too” category. You know…”You are too skinny”…”You are working out too much”…..”You are getting too cocky.”
Most “fat” never had any self worth. I did not at 420 pounds. So what if I look in the mirror at myself, or take a picture in a tank top, or compliment myself. Does that make me a jerk? Maybe so.
It is better than being the guy who is “Lucky” to have anything. The guy who needs to make fun of himself. The guy who hated himself.
Maybe someone has said it to you. Maybe someone has said that they liked you better when you were fat.
Like I say…
You can wish I was fat in one hand and screw yourself with the other.
See which one happens first.
Perfect, in light of what Emily is going thru on the AH boards– how people don’t want to be her friend anymore because she has lost weight.
Yea, it’s easy to be “friends” with the fat kid- the hang on the crumbs of friendship you throw like they are lifelines for those adrift at sea. And then they lose weight. And the “fat” kids has standards now– and (gulp) the “friend” may not meet them. So, adios muchacho.
Like I said to the guys who hit on me now– you didn’t want me when I was big, why the hell would I want you now?
You hit this straight on the nail for me. So many times over the years I have love my 100 plus lbs, in my younger days (much) When thin, I had all these “friends” who would never even speak to me when I was heavy. I tried taling to someone about it and the subject was brushed away. Now I truly am doing this for myself, to feel better, to live longer and to be able to have fun with my soon to be grand baby and more. Tony you are an amazing man, been following you since your first 100 lbs or so….love you positive can do attitude.
my favorite reply to that jackhole comment? “I liked you better when you kept your opinions to yourself.”
You hit this straight on the nail for me. So many times over the years I have lost my 100 plus lbs, in my younger days (much) When thin, I had all these “friends” who would never even speak to me when I was heavy. I tried taling to someone about it and the subject was brushed away. Now I truly am doing this for myself, to feel better, to live longer and to be able to have fun with my soon to be grand baby and more. Tony you are an amazing man, been following you since your first 100 lbs or so….love you positive can do attitude.
Jealousy, intimidated by your confidence, forces them to look at themselves, seeing change on the outside makes them think you changed on the inside (which you have but better), misery loves company…the list goes on
I am starting to get “looks” from some girls and they are not nice. I don’t dress provocatively, I have been married for 10 years and I don’t even look at most people when I am out in public but darn…people are hating. I also feel like other people are more receptive to me and bend over backwards to help me. This is so bizarre. Honestly, I truly feel like like Marilyn Monroes quote: “ If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. ” We will see where this leads.
When I was in college I lost a significant amount of weight (around 40 pounds). I had one friend tell me I was different now. And the more I thought about it, yea I was different. I had self esteem now and I wasn’t just in her shadows anymore. These are the people you have to just ignore or kick out of your life because they aren’t worth it.
I think the biggest thing is you now put yourself first. I think that’s what makes old people in your life feel maybe they liked you better bigger. I know for myself I still struggle with standing up for myself. It’s true that in the past the big Dawn wouldn’t speak up and now I do. Sad that it took losing weight to realize I had a right to have an opinion. Good post Tony!
I have over half of my body weight to lose. Every time I have lost about 50 or more pounds I have heard the same statement of “I liked you better fat”…it has really disturbed me. I can’t imagine how anyone could like me better that way. However, that statement has always been the crutch that has made me put the weight. It’s amazing how a layer of fat can make people treat you so differently. Losing weight and having people treat me better has always pissed me off because I am the same person fat as I am skinny…losing weight doesn’t make me a better person. It makes me a healthier person. As the old saying goes I wish everyone who has a comment could “walk a day in my shoes” and realize that a layer of fat doesn’t make you a good or bad person…its the person on the inside that does that.
I know that personally I am 100 times more confident now than I was at 302 pounds. I actually have confidence now. I’m no longer afraid that if I piss someone off they’re going to call me fat. If that makes me a bitch then so be it. But I’m proud of my accomplishments and no one is going to take that away from me. And the same goes for all of us who are walking down this road!
@Vicki: “Like I said to the guys who hit on me now– you didn’t want me when I was big, why the hell would I want you now?”
So, men are jerks because evolution wired them to have a prediliction towards mates who are more physically viable for producing healthy offspring?
Sorry, Vicki. It’s genetics. You can’t blame men for being attracted to what nature has spent millenia “naturally selecting” them to be attracted to.
I can really relate to this. I’m still a pretty timid person, and I consider myself a nicer person than most people and would not want that to change. But before, it was because I felt I had to support or excuse my appearance. I’ve had people tell me I seem so different now (because I wear more feminine clothes, because I was so “dark” or sarcastic/self deprecating/whatever during high school), but I haven’t changed. I can wear dresses now because I don’t have this fear that people are looking at me wondering WTH kind of business I think I have in a dress, trying to be a real woman as opposed to that in-between gender you get stuck with when overweight or otherwise unattractive by traditional standards.
To be fair, though, no one has ever made a negative comment to me about my weight loss. I can’t imagine anyone I know having the meanness to tell me they liked me better when fat.
Great post! You know how they say when you go through a really tough time in your life, you find out who your true friends are? Well, I believe it’s the same when you lose weight. The people who really love you will be beyond thrilled that you are losing weight because it means you’re getting healthy and they are going to spend more days on this earth with you. If someone says they liked you better at 420 pounds and literally at death’s door, then how much do they really love you? Life is short. I choose to surround myself with supportive, loving people who want the best for me. If someone ever says that to me, I’m going to tell them, “Really? You liked me better when I was 100 pounds overweight and killing myself with food? What kind of sicko are you?” It’s their issue. Let them own it. Congrats on the weight loss and life changes! I like you better this way!
Love this post.
“You can wish I was fat in one hand and screw yourself with the other.”- Amen.
I think people are less threatened by an overweight person. They are no competition. They rarely have the fancier clothes, the better job/house/whatever. Also you take the shit, you even encourage the fun that is being made of you and join in.
You don’t stand up for yourself, let people treat you in whatever way they want, because you just want to be liked.
Once you stand up for yourself though – different story. Once you are NOT taking all the shit anymore, once you have the confidence to stand up for yourself, other people realize you were easier to handle, less threatening, less of a challenge – more likable when you were fat…
I think in some cases, the sentiment may be due to a change in demeanor in the person who has lost the weight. A lot of people, upon adopting a new lifestyle, feel an irresistable urge to admonish people who they perceive as going against that lifestyle.
To put it bluntly, it can be pretty annoying to have a formerly-fat friend scold you for eating a donut. “You shouldn’t eat that, you know. Do you have any idea how much sugar and fat is in that thing?” This can be especially annoying when the recipient of the nagging is slightly overweight, but not nowhere near as much as the person doing the scolding USED to be. Suddenly, Mr. Recently Thin can become unbearably sanctimonious, which can easily drive people to say, “I liked you better when you were fat.”
I guess you ignored my first comment with good reason. I was a bit sharp. My point was really that there are some people who dont see fat or any other physical characteristic. On the other hand, if someone laughs at you, it might mean they are an a-hole. At any rate, the girl who was always nice most likely felt bad that she laughed at a joke directed at someone she liked.
Wonderful post, Tony. The physical struggles are bad enough, but being really overweight is psychologically devastating as well. Coming out of your shell to be the real person you are is marvelous. How many people have the kind of determination and discipline you do? Screw ‘em.
When we’re really overweight and we want people to like us we’re nice to people who, quite honestly, may not deserve it. How sad is that? We even want the MEAN people to like us! Perhaps you are more selective in who you’re nice to – meaning you save it for the people who actually deserve it. Therefore, there are some people who liked you better when you were fat…does that make any sense at all??
When I finally lost almost 50 lbs, after years of half-trying and just plain gaining weight, the least supportive person was my wife, who thought I was too skinny and had anorexic tendencies, because of calorie counting and regular exercise. A couple of years later, I have maintained the weight loss, gained some muscle, and my wife really likes the way I look. She has also gotten into martial arts and Weight Watchers Points to make progress on her own health and fitness goals. So now we can talk about those things without starting a fight.
My in-laws are all obese, and I made the mistake of talking about my successes as I lost weight. Now I just keep my mouth shut. Apparently I was a “failure” since I never made it to the obese stage (no one thought I was fat with my little pot belly), and now that I am skinny again…
I agree with you completely. Apparently misery loves company, and it’s much easier to laugh with (or at) the fat person.
I loved this post. I’ve lost 85 pounds and I still have about 60 left. People have already started to tell me I don’t need to lose more and I exercise too much and I’m too strict with my diet. I think a lot of it is them knowing they need to be doing it too.
For those closest to me, I think they are threatened by my success and maybe even worried about my change in priorities. It’s much more important to me now to workout. Much more than watching that TV show or going shopping. Not every gets that. And people rarely get why I would go to TWO Taekwondo classes in ONE DAY, especially not after working out in the morning once already.
I actually had someone tell me I was getting addicted to exercise and I needed to watch it. WTH? I am 41 years old and I am 5’1″ and I still weigh 189lbs. If I’m addicted to exercise it’s the least of my worries.
These days I’m simply focused more on me and being the best ME I can be. I think some people don’t like the fact that my focus has changed. Too freaking bad.
Great, great post. Sorry this comment was so long….
Just thinking about this starts to make me angry. What bothers me is being that fat person that people take along with them places because they want to look better or make themselves feel better.
Good post.
I had a friend guy tell me he wanted “his fat friend” back. That made me angry and it hurt. As hard as I’ve been working, just to know someone I thought supported me would try to undermine my efforts for his own selfish reasons burned my butt! I’m doing this for me and not to make anyone else happy or comfortable!
It’s scary to know we’re going to lose more than just the weight. It’s one more thing that makes weight loss such a challenge. Peoples’ attitudes toward me – my changing habits…it’s almost harder to adjust to than anything else I’m doing to lose weight.
A fat girl wears her problems on the outside, so being overweight affects every single interaction I have with every single person I encounter. That means that losing weight will affect how people respond to me. That could be bad news for existing relationships, I guess.
We know this intuitively before we start. It’s part of the choice we make when we decide to lose weight. I think you made the right decision. But it still sucks when people are shitty.