The Butterfly
So God came up to me and said “You can replay 2011 but only if you go back to being 420 pounds”. I looked at him and said “Sorry God, I was just squeezing into my size 60 pants….what did you say?”
If only it were that easy…..
July 5th started off like any normal day for me. I got up around 4am to go workout. The workout was really good, so I stayed a little longer at the gym. I got home and started to do a little work around the house.
It actually was a special day. My wife was nineteen weeks pregnant. We were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Once we found out, I was going to blog about it.
When we got to the doctor’s office, we were off for a sonogram. The heart beat was great, but the baby was being fussy. It was hard for the nurse to get a read on the baby, so she could not tell us the sex of the baby. All of the sudden she said…
“The baby’s fluid is low”
We asked if we should be concerned. She was a little hesitant in answering. She said it was something to be aware of and the doctor might send us to the hospital to have it checked out.
My wife was shaking a little. I told her everything would be fine. We were in the second trimester. The baby had a great heartbeat.
Tears started to roll down the side of my wife’s face. I told her to wait for the doctor and not get worked up.
The doctor came in. He is very straight forward. That is what we like about him. He delivered our first baby. We have known him for years.
He was looking at our chart and started to mumble “Man….this is so rare. I mean, wow…um…”
Then he got clear…
“Guys, this is not your time. Your baby will not make it. You need to go to the hospital”
I was confused. I did not understand.
“Wait…what? Is there anything we can do?”
“No, there is not enough fluid for your baby to survive. It needs the fluid to grow. Your baby has days to live.”
“I mean, can’t you put fluid in there?”
I did not know, I just wanted some solution, not the one he gave us.
“NO! It does not work like that. I am so sorry, so sorry.”
So my wife and I sat there is horror and shock. Like a bad dream.
What was supposed to be a very special day turned into the worst possible day for us. A good friend of the family watched our son and my wife and I went to the hospital.
We got to the hospital around 2:30. I know this because we got stuck in downtown Orlando traffic. We got stuck because they were about to announce the Casey Anthony verdict. That is what people were concerned about. Casey Anthony.
When we got to the hospital, we were put on the ninth floor. That is where high risk pregnancies were. The hospital we went to is called Winnie Palmer, which specializes in pregnancies. We had our son there. Now we were going to lose our child there.
No one can prepare you for something like this. We saw so many different doctors who had different philosophies. Yet, they all said that our baby would not survive. Not one of them gave our baby a chance. If one said there was a chance…..a glimmer of hope, we would have done anything to same the baby. Anything. Yet, like the doctor told us, it was not our time.
My wife and I were in the hospital for four days. Four days of sadness. Four days of uncertainty. Four days of surgery. Four days of compassion.
The nurses there were wonderful. Because they have seen people lose children before, they knew what to say.
Yet, who really knows what to say.
We tried to make the most of it. We asked if we could donate any organs. At nineteen weeks, we were not able to. At nineteen weeks, the baby was too small to be in ICU.
This is not supposed to happen at nineteen weeks!
When I would walk into our room at the hospital, I noticed that we had a butterfly on the door. That shows the nurses and doctors that we lost a child. So they do not go in and yell “Congratulations!” Yet, at that point, anything would offend us.
We lost the baby. It was not our fault. There is no reason for it.
I am an accountable person, so in some ways I wish there was a reason. There was no reason. Just like the doctor said,it was not out time.
I was never angry. I was just sad. My wife and I really wanted this baby. We love children. It was the main reason I lost 221 pounds. It is the main reason I will keep off the weight.
It had been a month now, and the surgery scars are getting better. There are good days and bad days.
This is a very hard post to write, because I am actually a very private person. But I want as many people to read this as possible. Not only will it help me, but it will help others.
Like it on Facebook, Tweet it, and please comment on it. Believe it or not, this must happen more than I think it does.
My wife and I were talking, and I told her that we can not be alone in this. The reason I blog about not being able to do normal functions when I was 420 pounds is because there is someone who will read it and will not feel alone. I do not want to feel alone.
I told my wife to blog abut it. Just to help her cope. She loves to write so I think it would be good for her.
If this has happened to you or someone you know, just know you are not alone. No one talks about this. This is not something people want to talk about.
Sometimes I am not there emotionally for my wife. I can not hug her and hold her like I want to.
But I can write and tell our story. And I can also let her know we are not alone.
I’ve not been in your position but I feel that your reason for sharing something so personal are absolutely spot on. You WILL reach someone who needs to know they are not alone just as you have with your weight loss. More importantly, you’ll also know you’re not alone in this difficult time. My heart goes out to you, your wife and family.
Tony, I’m so sorry that you and your wife had to go through something like that… there really are no words that can make that better… I’m sorry. I myself, had FIVE miscarriages before I had my son… so I can say that I understand, but it still doesn’t make it any better for you. My prayers are with you and your wife…. and my heart is with you both now.
Words can never satisfy the empty spaces that only crave a baby; YOUR baby. I know. I have been there. We lost our first son for no discernable reason at the beginning of the 3rd trimester. Sometimes they save kids that age now-a-days. At that time, no one could do anything. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Some few folks know your pain. Some folks share that pain. Some few can tell you you can get past that pain, but it is not easy. It is not meant to be easy. But it will make treasuring your future and current children all the more. I screamed at God for a reason why. That is okay. He likes to know you paid attention. Two years after our ordeal we had another child. He is beautiful, kind, loving, gentle, and now at the age of 19 he is huge at 6 foot 6 inches. He is also ADHD, Hyperactive and autistic. There is so much what the world would consider wrong in him, but to us he is so right. And I never could have had the patience for him, if not for his brother, the child we lost. I am not predicting another tragedy for you. No one needs that. But it is, as they say, a character-builder. A strength building excersize that will come in handy later, perhaps in an unexpected way. BTW, our boy, who would not fit in to what scociety wants for tall athletic handsom young men? He helps other challenged kids, and took 2 year in early childhood education and development. He was interned at one of our local child care locations that work with his school. He did as well, if not better, than his more normal peer group. He has the connection, a magic touch. You will eventually find your connection too. Grieve for now, it is the right thing to do. But watch for the opportunity when it comes. One day you will be suprised, and I hope happily so.
Wishing you the best,
Janine Velasquez
I am so very sorry for you and your wife, Tony. I don’t know what to say except that I am sorry and thinking of you both.
My heart goes out to you and your wife. I think the reason that people do not talk about issues like this is because no response is sufficient. There is no reason it happened, no one to blame and nothing you can fix or change.
I guess the only thing I can say is thank you for being there for other people. Just as you have done with your weight, you are using this experience to help others.
Much love to your family
For many years I’ve felt that the only way we can teach, preach or reach someone else is by setting a good example, and that “you are not alone” may well be the most comforting thing we can ever say to each other. You have no idea how many people’s lives you impact by sharing your stories, Tony – how much warmer you make life for others by revealing the painful stuff and talking about unbearable things. You and your blog are a shining example of success at life – thank you for your honesty and candor!
I am so sorry for your loss, Tony. I have gone through two miscarriages. (I have seven children, so statistically it was bound to happen, but it didn’t make it any easier to go through.) It’s not just the loss of the baby who you already love, but the loss of your hopes and dreams for that baby too.
a forum I used to frequent that helped me get through it was http://forums.delphiforums.com/mommiesofangels/start .
(bug hugs to you and your wife)
Tony,
I have no words to express how my heart breaks for the loss your family is feeling. I am SO sorry. My heart goes out to you all. I know you will continue to heal through this. (warm hugs)
Tony, I haven’t visited your blog in a long time – since back when you were on BlogSpot, actually. I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances. I’m single, and I don’t have kids so I’m not going to lie and say I know how you’re feeling or can truly empathize with how you and your wife are feeling.
Yet, I do want to say how sorry I am for you two, and how impressed I am that you are sharing this with the world. Like you said, “I can write and tell our story. And I can also let her know we are not alone.”
You’re right; you’re not alone. And hopefully, others who have gone through this kind of heartbreak will find this post and not feel so alone as well.
You and your wife will be in my thoughts.
I dont have any wordy as I know I cant say anything to her, or you, to take the pain and grief away.
Youre most definitely not alone.
xo
Carla
Tony,
I don’t have any words for you that will make you feel any better, just like nobody really had any words for me when my husband and I went through something similar. There’s nothing quite like this kind of loss, and your post brought back a lot of feelings that have been put away for a long time.
I guess the only thing I can say – running the risk of being one of those things that mean well, but ends up feeling offensive – is that it does get better. Time is a healer. We tried again and ended up making our family. I hope you’ll get to that place too.
Love,
Sue
I’m so so so sorry to hear the news Jared. My heart goes out to you and your wife xxox
I was almost 17 weeks when my exhusband and I found out that our baby had passed away. Beyond the marker of telling people, beyond the point where you don’t buy anything.
I came home to a delicate cream coloured wrap shirt and booties and I cried.
Loss can happen to anyone, at any moment.
I’m so sorry you both have to go through this, that your oldest child has to go through this. My thoughts are with you right now, please hold on to one another.
It does eventually get easier, but it really doesn’t go away. My baby was at 13 weeks when I lost it and I still miss it. I still feel like someone is missing from my family. I had a baby 1 year ( almost to the day) after the miscarriage, so you can have a happy healthy pregnancy again, but it still does not make this loss any easier, or any less devastating or any less real.
You and your wife are not alone.
I cannot say anything other than to tell you the tears I’m crying are for you, your wife and your unborn baby.
Jen
I don’t have the words. Any words.
Just know that you guys are definitely not alone and we all ache for you.
Thank you for writing this and helping others by sharing this. My love & prayers go out to your family.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious child.
Im sorry for your pain. The only reason I can think of, is that God wanted a tiny angel with him.
Whenever you see a butterfly, think of your tiny angel.
peace
Tony, I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have been someplace similar and the only hope I can offer is that it does get better. Slowly, very slowly (we were there a year ago), but it goes get better.
Everything is a blur right now, but if I can give one suggestion: be picky about your outside support. Lots of people will suggest support groups as a way to heal, but take your time in going and ask lots of questions about the dynamic of the group: sometimes they can be more harmful than helpful (a difference between reliving the past and looking to the future).
Refuah shlema.
I am so very very sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you and your wife. God Bless.
There are no words for this but please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers
I am so, so sorry. My heart hurts for you and your wife and all of your family.
Writing this took alot of courage. My family will be praying for yours!
Tony: I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you and your wife have suffered. Life is such a precious thing. I know it was not easy to share this.
I’m sorry that you and your wife had to go through that, T. It’s sad and it’s heartbreaking, but you’re right… it happens more often than we think. There’s no fault, no blame to lay. Just not your time.
Take care of yourself and your family. It’s all that matters.
You’re an inspiration Tony! Bless you and your family!
I am so sorry that you and your wife had to go through this Tony. This post can & will help a lot of people. Thank you for being so open & honest with us on such a difficult subject to talk about.
Sending lots of positive thoughts & hugs to your family!
I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express it. Prayers to you and your wife.
November 5, 2008 was the worst day of my life. I had passed my due date by 4 days. I went to the doctor for a check up, and I was told my son had no heartbeat. It’s the worst possible thing I could have ever had to hear.
You’re right to encourage your wife to blog about it. Every woman is different, but I’ve never seen it help anyone to hold it inside and not talk about it.
I know that neither you nor your wife know me, but the thing that helped me most, was connecting to those people who had been where I was, whether I knew them or not, just to know that was I felt was normal and my grief wasn’t wrong. Now that it’s been a month, there will be people in your life who will start to tell you to move on and expect you to be “over it”. You won’t ever get over it. But somewhere down the road breathing gets a little easier.
Because of my experience, I feel compelled to stand by those in similar situations and be someone that others can turn to. So if I can be of any help, to listen, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
I am so very sorry for your loss. There is a woman who sculpts baby angels/butterflies. She is on Etsy and Facebook. Her company is The Midnight Orange. She’s very talented and captures the emotions of baby/child loss so well. I encourage you to take a look at her stuff and maybe get something to honor and remember your baby.
Tony,
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Tony, I read your blog but have never commented; we don’t know one another. I wanted to say how sorry I am, and how much I appreciate your talking about this, as well as your reasons for doing so.
I’m a lurker normally, but yes, it happens way more than people realize. My mom had three kids and was pregnant five times. I barely know anyone to whom it DIDN’T happen. Reproduction — the construction of an entire human being from literally nothing — is unbelievably complex, and things can go wrong. It’s nothing either of you did.
You have my sympathies.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You two are very lucky to have each other!
In 2001 my husband & I were across the street at arnold palmer, with a butterfly on our door. We said goodbye to our 3rd child. You are not alone, even though I know how lonely you must feel. Time will never heal this wound, but you will find the strength to continue. Your family is in my prayers.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I have not been in that postion, I am never likely to be, but I feel for you both. Look after yourself and your wife.
I am sorry for your loss. Be good to each other. We are praying for you.
No words can express how sorry I am for your loss and the extent of your grief.
I miscarried at 10 weeks. It’s not the same….I didn’t hear the heartbeat, but it hurts. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine four days. Big hugs to you and your wife,you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Tony, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is broken for you, your wife, and your families. I wish I knew the magic phrase or word that would take away the pain…but I don’t. Just know that many of us are thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.
I’m just so so sorry and brokenhearted for your family. No, you are definitely not alone in this and thank you for sharing this with us. It took a lot of courage. Saying a prayer for your family and your beautiful little butterfly.
You are not alone.
You are not alone. My heart aches for you and your family. Tony remember that both of you will not deal with this the same way. One may heal faster than another, one may feel more angry than the other. Either way the feelings are there. Remember to respect them and take care of each other. Allow each of you to deal with it in your own time. Love to you both.
I’m so sorry for your loss Tony. Sympathy and prayers are with you.
~RustiAnn
Tony, my friend. I’m so sorry. Give my best to your wife and son–and know, I’m thinking of you. Very good to write it out, seriously…You’re an amazing man, Tony. Take care
This brings tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry you and your wife had to go through that. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Check out “An Exact Replica of A Figment of My Imagination,” a memoir by Elizabeth McCracken all about her own experience with a miscarriage and the ways she’s coped with it, etc. A great book, and it has a lot of the same motivations as this post– just wanting people to know that this happens, and exploring her journey from the grief to some kind of resolution.
Tony, I am so very sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your wife. That child will always be your child and all we can do with such a loss is grieve and then try to live in a way to honor their short life and their memory.
I came to your blog just now because I read your brother Joe’s blog. Through him, I know about your amazing weight loss. Through him, I now know to add your family to my prayers.
There never seems to be a reason for tragedies like this. But there is. Don’t press; take a step back (much easier said than done now, I know). There’s something good that will come of this. Like Janine’s story above about being better able to handle her autistic ADHD son through her own misfortune, there are opportunities and blessings to come to you and your family.
In our current culture where we think nothing of watching sex or violence on network TV, it is still shocking that we consider it taboo to talk about real hurt. Too many people have felt the loss that you feel– from infertility to miscarriage to stillbirth– and yet we keep quiet about it. I hope your talking about it helps you in the ways that it helped me. Thoughts and prayers as you and your family heal.
Tough times. We lost a baby boy full term in August of 1991. Whenever we look at a family portrait it is as if someone is missing.
We tried one more time and did successfully have a son in August of 1992. He graduated high school this year.
That pregnancy was very nerve wracking, but uneventful.
We went to liturgy and prayed and lit candles and asked for wisdom and relief from the grief. It was hard.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.
A couple of years ago my wife and I were expecting twins. One of the twins was quite a bit smaller and had a smaller sac. At about 29 weeks my wife had a procedure where they took out 1.5 liters of fluid from the bigger baby’s sac. That worked well in giving the second baby room to grow. Until 2 weeks later when, for no apparent reason, she died. My wife went quickly to the hospital for an emergency c-section. The other baby was born at 4 lbs and was very sick. She was in the NICU for 6 weeks. Fortunately she is basically fine now, but the loss of her sister stays with us. My thoughts are with you.
My wife wasn’t so far along when it happened to us, but the utter lack of anything to do about it was perhaps the worst part. Hard to imagine anything making you feel more helpless than not being able to help your child. The only thing I can tell you is that it will get better, and you are certainly not alone.
Thank you for writing this, and I am so sorry for your loss.
You are not alone, as all of the comments above mine prove–this happens all the time, yet no one ever talks about it. My wife and I were completely blindsided by her miscarriage at 10 weeks. As you well know, being at the hospital and going through all the motions of childbirth with no hope of an actual child is a uniquely grotesque experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And if you choose to try again, this trauma will cause a lot of anxiety (or at least it did for us–even though we knew we had done nothing wrong, and that the new baby was perfectly healthy, we still spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying that it could happen again.)
But also know that it gets better, and that you are not alone.
My heartfelt thoughts and prayers to you and your family for your loss “T” – My bride and I experienced the grief and trauma of two miscarriages in the early years of our 34 year marriage, we now are the parents of two daughters and a wonderful grandson – Keep the faith Tony – it will get better as someday you will hear the the wonderful words- “Pa Pa I love you”.
My wife and I were I think eight weeks along, early days, and about to announce the pregnancy to our families at Christmas when she started to feel some pain. We spent Christmas Eve at the hospital holding hands while she underwent ultrasounds and diagnoses of non-viability, letting go long enough for her to be led behind a lead curtain and receive a dose of some stuff nasty enough to induce a miscarriage. No butterflies on the door, she was an outpatient. I don’t remember where we went afterwards so much as I remember the feeling of not wanting to be anywhere. Maybe in a cave somewhere curled up. Alone like you imagine yourself to be.
That was nine years ago, and the two pregnancies after that produced two great kids. And of course, you’re not alone. Thanks for blogging this.
I’m so sorry. I have known women who have lost a baby and they never forget. Yet life goes on and some of them have other children. One has four boys and one has a mix of six. So it is possible to have others. As God wills.
I recently finished the book “Heaven is for real”. In the book, the little boy who goes to heaven speaks of meeting his sister in heaven…. but they had never before met because she had been miscarried. God has plans for us all, even those who never get to see the light of day (and only the light of heaven). Your Child is with Jesus, fulfilling whatever purpose god had for Him/Her… a purpose we do not know or understand.
Hang in there.. I cannot imagine the pain, but please rememeber to keep love in your heart, be good to eachother, and keep your faith and you will get through it.
Your world came crashing down when the doctor told you “Guys, this is not your time.” Ours happened when our twin sons, otherwise healthy, were diagnosed with autism.
Everyone says that God doesn’t give us challenges that we cannot handle. But, that really seems like a crock when something terrible happens to us. I just want you to know that it is our response to these terrible events that helps define us, not the terrible events themselves. I wish the best to you and your family.
(Still working on losing those extra 15 pounds I gained with the twins’ pregnancy.)
18 years ago……..I lost one child and her twin suffered a stroke due to their sharing the same blood. I can’t say you get over it but you do get to the point where you accept it. The pain is not as raw but the feeling of sadness over an incomplete life comes and goes. Peace to you and your family.
I don’t presume to know the details of your loss. The first pregnancy my wife and I shared resulted in a similar circumstance. Our baby was afflicted with the anomoly of Prune Belly Syndrome. I can remember attending the sonogram with my wife the day we learned. There was no mistake on the face of the assistant as she slid the wand over my wife’s beach ball belly, we knew something wasn’t right. She tried to remain calm as she left to fetch the doctor. The doctor came in and shot straight with us. I recall how weak kneed I became. It felt like I would collapse. My wife was in denial. It was hard to the 10th degree.
That was 16 years ago now. We planted a flowering crab apple just outside of our kitchen window in his name. We have a hummingbird feeder and a large bird bath under the reaching branches. The activity of nature that unfolds under the tree makes me think of Mason often.
I pray the distress and pain you and your wife experience will abate. Thank you for opening your private world for the larger good of humankind.
We had a miscarriage during my wife’s first pregnancy, and the sonogram where they confirmed it was the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced. The good news is, you’re far from alone, the bad news is that the hurt never goes away. We now have a wonderful three year old who amazes us every day, but the feeling that there should be two … well, it just sucks sometimes. Good luck to your family when you’re ready to try again, and stay close to those who you love.
Nothing matters more than family, buddy. Nothing.
Take care of yours like you obviously already do. I can’t imagine the heartbreak.
You’re definitely not alone.
I followed a link from your brothers blog here and just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. My wife and I lost our son this April (our first). My wife was 20 weeks and she went into labor. He was born alive, but too small to live and he died in our arms soon after. You are definitely not alone. I was amazed at how many people told me similar stories… I appreciate you sharing and I pray you and your wife find the comfort you need right now.
Tony,
Thank you for sharing your story. You have inspired so many people over the last couple of years I only wish there was more we could do for you.
Steve
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve never been able to have children so I can’t imagine, but when I had my hysterectomy I was on the ob floor but there was no code so I got the “congratulations, boy or girl?!” that I had to respond “no, hysterectomy”. It’s a hard place to be. Thank you for your willingness to share.
Thank you for sharing your story. My wife and I have one child and are struggling to have another. You are not alone. We are not alone. Your little butterfly is not alone.
/hug
Tony, I am so sorry…I have no words.
Tony
All I can do is promise you and your wife have flown to the top of my prayer list tonight.
There arent words, so I wont attempt to write them.
I feel your heartache and post this with tears in my eyes for your family. Keep up the good work on your fitness goals and continue to put work and love into your family
Bill
I’m so sorry for your loss. We also lost a baby early during a pregnancy in 2004, and I think of our missing child frequently. Since then we have had two uneventful pregnancies, and we now have two wonderful boys.
Hang in there.
Tony, I’m so very sorry for you and your family’s lose. There really aren’t words for when something like this happens. You both are in my prayers.
My mother had six miscarriages before I was born. When she was seven months pregnant with me she was in for a check up. A doctor happened to walk into the room mistakenly. While she was there, she happened to notice something irregular on the monitor. 18 hours later I was born. I’ve often wondered the number of things needed to align over decades for me to be.
How do you suffer unspeakable heartache six times and keep going back? Had any one of the previous pregnancies been successful would my parents have kept trying? Had that Dr. gone where she meant instead, would I be here?
Thanks for sharing and allowing me to do the same.
The death of a child is the worst thing a parent can go through. My second son died 24 years ago when he was 6 days old after he was born with birth defects. Afterwards a few people said that at least he died before I had a chance to know him and love him which would have made it harder, and I thought, “I carried him under my heart and knew him for 9 months, of course I loved him.” He was my child and I will always love him. You will always love the child you lost. The sadness will become easier to bear as time goes on. You have my deepest sympathy.
I stumbled on your blog from far afield and just read the post you wrote following this one, about sitting in the cafeteria; then I went back and read this one to find out what had happened.
I am so sorry. Not *for* you. *With* you. Memory eternal, from a stranger.
You are right: people don’t talk about this. I hardly ever talk about it, but I will, because you so graciously shared your story and asked for support. I want you to know that you are not alone. I lost my first pregnancy in a miscarriage. I was still in my first trimester and had only known I was pregnant for about 6 weeks. I lost my baby when I was 11 weeks. I was having a stressful day at work and started spotting. I knew, in that moment, something was wrong and not at all right. I knew when I gave my urine sample. Even though they tried to calm me and tell me to wait for the doctor, I knew. When she did an ultrasound and it showed my uterus was empty, It hurt me to my core. The nurse said to us, “I know this won’t make you feel better, but at least this lets you know that you can conceive.” She was right: it didn’t make us feel any better. There was an immediate disconnect in our relationship. He didn’t know how to be there for me emotionally because he felt I’d lost more than he had since I carried the child. It didn’t matter, really, since I was inconsolable. I was hurt and angry and I didn’t understand. I kept getting emails from websites I’d signed up with and updates with how my baby was (or should have been) developing. Constant reminders of what would never be. And then I got pregnant again two months later. And I now have THE MOST WONDERFUL little boy in the entire world (I’m sure of this). What I know now is that I would not have this wonderful little boy had I carried that first pregnancy to term. And I can’t imagine life without him. While this is true, each May I still think about the child that I lost and how I should be celebrating a birthday in THAT month instead of in August. I still get emails in May saying happy birthday to the baby that I lost. It doesn’t matter, because like I said, I’d never forget anyway. I don’t hurt anymore, but the underlying feeling of loss has never left me. It is absolutely amazing to me how you can love someone you just found out existed and have never met. That love is so deep. So deep. I pray that you and your wife are comforted during this time and I applaud you for not turning back to using food to comfort you. Stay encouraged!
Tony, My heart goes out to you, your wife and your whole family. I wish you both all the best going forward and no Tony….you are not alone.
My condolences
Your friend
-Vinny
My heart goes out to you and your wife. So often people suffer privately through these experiences, but they are, as you say, more common than people think.
It’s little consolation when your heart feels broken, but you have so much love and support.
What a sad and heartbreaking situation to go through. I lost my son when I was eight and a half months pregnant. He would be 26 years old this month. I still think about him everyday. Take one day at a time and stay strong!!
I am so very sorry for your loss. My son was born at 26 weeks’. We spent months wondering if he would live or die, and just this past Monday we lost our second child, a child we wanted and hoped for.
I’m only leaving a message because my husband and I had been trying to make sense of all of this when some friends from church told us they saw us as a butterfly – and how butterflies have color on their wings. The color isn’t always pretty, but if you remove it, the butterfly can’t fly.
I know there isn’t a right thing to say, but I hope that in time you will find peace with your color.
Tony,
I am so sorry for the loss that you, your wife and son have suffered. It’s not fair and it never will be. Please lean on the family and friends who are there for you and share in your grief. And thank you for sharing your very poignant story with your virtual friends.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
I am so sorry for you loss Tony. You and your family are in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry to read about this. What a sad time.
Tony, I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss. I remember how excited you were when you were expecting your son. How devastating and sad to lose a child. Take care of each other. My prayers go out to you and your family.
So sorry for your loss. I had to deliver a stillborn baby. We had a butterfly hanging on our hospital door too. My heart aches for you both. Thanks for sharing, an experience like this truly changes you.
I’m so sorry you had to experience this. It is one of the not-fair things about life. That babies die. And sometimes the reasons don’t make sense and sometimes the doctors just don’t know why. I woke up after contractions and a restless night at 38.5 weeks of pregnancy. After orange juice and raisin bran my baby didn’t move like she normally would have a sugary juice in mommy’s tummy. I pushed on her and she did not move. I drank a chocolate milk. More sugar will help, right?
She was stillborn later that day after an induction and I still (14 years later) have no adequate explanation as to why. I still grieve her death. I have an eight year old asleep next to me and an 11 year old in the room next door but I’m missing my first little girl. I was pg before that and miscarried at 14 weeks. Again, no explanation. I’m so sorry.
One of my favorite organizations had just started up about a year before and it is going strong. http://www.mend.org has great resources and information. I hope it can help you.
hugs!
I absolutely have no words, but only sympathy in my heart for you. Thank you for sharing.
i am so, so sorry.
Tony, I haven’t been spending a lot of time online this summer and just clicked over to check to see how your summer has been going and I was so saddened to hear of your family’s loss. No words can make it better and only time will diminish the pain you feel to a manageable level. My Mom lost 3 babies before finally having my little sister (the youngest of 3). We like to think that God knew just what he was doing, even though we didn’t understand it. I wish you both peace and hope you don’t give up on trying to have another child.