While I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria, I was overwhelmed with fear.
Everything started to look good to me. This was not a normal cafeteria. There were chicken tenders and cheese potatoes on one end, then there were lamb chops on the other.
Even the “tricky healthy food” started to look good to me. You know…..the “100 calorie” type snacks. I mean, they are only 100 calories, right?
I did not care. After hearing the news that will change the way I look at everything, I just wanted to eat. The addict came out of me. Three years of doing the right thing for myself and my family did not matter at that time. I wanted to numb myself. That is what most addicts do….they numb the pain. For some it is drugs and others it is gambling. For me, it is food.
But along with my fear of all of the food, I had an even bigger fear. My fear of knowing what would happen.
I have read enough weight loss stories and weight loss blogs to know the outcome. A success gets lost and can not find his/her way back. A tragedy sets him/her back….but they can do it! Week after week they look to do it.
But why did it have to happen to me? Why could I not just determine my own outcome?
Then all of the sudden I thought of the words “I Refuse!”. Most of my posts are written after I think of a title. This is one of them. Why do I have to set myself back? Why do I have to have an “It’s okay” attitude? Why do I have to eat so much?
I realized that the pain I was feeling would not be saved by food. Sure, maybe for a moment. Then what? How fair is that to my wife or my son? How fair is that to me?
I left the cafeteria. I had a coffee. Black coffee with no sweetener. I realized I was not hungry. I remembered that most of the time when I ate 6000 calorie meals, I was not hungry.
I told my wife about this. I never talk about weight loss or working out with her. I told her that I have control as to what goes in my system. I told her that workouts at the gym might be tough for a few weeks, but there are other ways to workout…even with my son. I had to let her know that she did not need to worry about me. I know she does.
I realized that there are a million choices out there. Some that are good for me might not be the best for you. Some that would never work for me would do wonders for you. I know what works for me. I know what I need to succeed. Not only in weight loss, but in life.
That is the approach I am taking now. I refuse to accept failure without trying. I can give myself 1-2 hours a day with some sort of workout, even if I have to sacrifice other things (hence the lack of blogging posts and social media). It is just as easy to eat fruit as it is to eat a cake…well, for me it is now.
So maybe I am seeing more clearly? Maybe I will have that fear today?
I hate when people say “Failure Is Not An Option”. I think that makes no sense. Of course failure is an option……
But for now, it is not the option for me.