I am not going to lie. I have not enjoyed blogging the last month.

Every time I sat down to post, I would stop halfway through. I would read over it and get so mad at the crap I wrote.

I have about 20 posts like that. The ones I put up have been fluff. I do not need people to tell me that. I know it.

I could not understand why?
Where was the fire I had?
Where was the passion?

Then something weird happened.

My friend Frank asked me why I hated Weight Watchers. It was a program that I lost 200 pounds on, and has so many success stories.

I started to respond. I started to write….

“Frank, I do not hate Weight Watchers. I think that the new program is good and they have helped….”

That is all I wrote. I erased it and did not write anything else for a few days.

The truth is I do not like Weight Watchers. I do not like  them because the program they are doing now is the same program I have talked about at every meeting I went to. When I talked about fiber, my leader looked at me funny. She just wanted to tell me about different  processed foods I could buy at the meeting center. How I could make a Jello pumpkin something for 2 points when I talked about fruits and vegetables. When I talked about working out, I was the oddball.

I do not like Weight Watchers because it is the only job that did not hire me because of my weight. When I applied to be a leader, I was not the right weight. I lost 221 pounds. I did not feel like “chasing skinny”. I felt that I could inspire people without being 165 or whatever my “goal” weight was. I was mad. I contacted corporate. They did not care either. Why should they? Why would anyone change a plan for a guy in Orlando.

I do not like Weight Watchers for their website. How there are few pictures of overweight people on the site. They had success stores of former athletes, wine connoisseurs, and a rock star. How could I relate?  There site had articles such as “Eating at tailgate parties” and “The perfect pizza”. I wanted to hear about struggles after losing weight. Success stories are different to me now.

Truth is, I realized I never liked myself. As much as I want to talk about myself on the blog, I was weak. I was a pawn in the weight loss world. A rat looking desperately for some Laughing Cow cheese in a maze. I would do anything to lose weight. Pills, starving, you name it.

While I was in Weight Watchers, I changed. I listened at every meeting. I realized I would not count points forever. I realized that I could not eat processed foods forever. They had a different program where processed foods were limited then eliminated. Few people did it. I was once again an oddball.

At ever meeting I heard “You have to treat yourself once in a while.” I was 400 pounds, not 185. I have a problem with food.

And I made big changes. I pulled it out. Maybe it was the anger I had for the doctor who told me I needed surgery. Maybe I did not want to die. Maybe I realized I was selfish. Whatever it was, I did it. A restaurant manager woke up and lost weight while being around food every single day.

When I changed, the blinders came off. WW is no different than any other program. Sure, I would tell you it is the best. Look at my first post. But it is not. The program they do today is similar to South Beach and any other diet you would get off of Sparkpeople, MyFitnessPal, etc.

So maybe I am not mad at WW after all, but myself. Maybe I became soft on my blog. For what, more Facebook fans? More Twitter followers? For the chance to use my writing talents to review $10 worth of product?

The reason I do the blog is because in real life I am shy and do not like talking about dieting or fitness. I look up at my mission statement “I will change the way you look at weight loss”.

That is not for you, that is for me. I need to change the way I look at weight loss.

Because as much as you think you know “The Best Diet”, you do not. Drinking a ton of water means nothing if you eat a ton of food. Working out means nothing is you eat 2000 calories worth of McDonald’s after wards. Counting calories is great until you forget to write down your meal. Knowing the calorie information is great at a restaurant until the 18 year old kid behind the counter “hooks you up” on a sandwich with extra mayo or meat or whatever.

But if you are doing something that works, then THAT IS THE BEST DIET. Do not play semantics with me and comment about” lifestyle or journey not diet” and take away from the sentence. I do not know you, just like I did not know most of the people at my WW meetings. But if you lost 20, 50 100 pounds on what you are on and you are happy, how can I beat that? Can I tell you WW is better?

I also know how to cook, but I do not doctor food to taste like something else.

I do not Macgyver food.I will not make a low calorie cake out of 17 items. Because I will eat the whole batch and realize it is not low calorie.

I have been soft. My posts reflect it. Now, I because a one man promotion machine. Let me put a hashmark on my tweet so Moms that ignore me can read my post on Twitter.

YAY ME!

Am I afraid of losing followers? Am I here to please the masses?I think I am.

Maybe I should take the harmonica out of my ass and realize that if this blog does not help me, then it is for nothing.

I need to get back what I had. The anger. The passion. I will not become rich doing this. Last time I checked, I can not pay the bills with BOSU balls and POM samples.

But I need my blog for me. I need to tell myself how proud I am of myself.

And how angry I am as well. But in a good way!

Today at the gym I squatted 335 pounds 10 times. I have talked about trimming down, but I am still gaining muscle. Which means, I am gaining weight.

Yet, I know I am over 230 pounds, probably around 235.

So my strength has gone up. My workouts are great. I have gained a lot of muscle over the last two years.

And let me tell you, if I ate processed foods for the last three years to lose the weight like so many people have pushed earlier in my life, I would be well over 400 pounds today. I have not. I stick with the unprocessed foods. It will be an easy transition to trim up.

Funny, I have said that for the last five months.

I am not going to tell you today is the day. Tomorrow is the day. So many people get caught up in that (My hand is up) and then they become all talk.

When I write about paper lions, I write about myself sometimes. I am not going to come every single week and tell you this is my week. You have seen me do it for a while. It will come. I have to be patient. Weight loss is always about rushing. 90 days to a better you! Lose 7 pounds in 7 days. I have to change the way I look at weight loss.

So to answer your question Frank, I do not like Weight Watchers. I do not care about them as well, just like they never cared about me.

But I care about myself now.

And the paper tiger is ready to roar.

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