It is hard to understand what 420 pounds is if you have never been that weight.

I am not saying that to be mean or belittle weight loss journeys.

I read so many inspirational stories. How people go through so many obstacles to reach an amazing goal.

To be 420 pounds I ate a lot of food. Not in front of people, but in my car. In restaurants by myself.

Life stopped for me…..

But as bad as it got, breathing is not being dead. I had to tell myself that because I wanted my life to get better.

1.Click- I left my weigh in. 354 pounds. I lost over 50 pounds. I was thrilled! Barbara, the receptionist told me she saw big things in me (Do I need to put a no pun intended). I went in my car, and decided to try to put on the seat belt. Why not, I have not for quite some time. Click. That is all I heard. I could not tell you the day it would not fit me anymore. But I remember when I could put it on again. Click. Amazing. I was getting back everything I lost.

2. Stand/Sit- My boss came in to talk to me at the old restaurant. He purposely chose a booth every time. He was not the nicest man in the world. He did it so I would go get a chair and pull it up to the table. But this time was different. I was around 320 pounds. I already lost 100 pounds. I had a certificate to prove it! I sat it the booth. It was snug, but there was no way in the world I would ever have fit in it before. For a few minutes I just stood up and sat down. My boss was kind of annoyed. I guess he would have to deal with it.

3. Scale- I went to the Publix. I weighed in at 301 two days earlier at WW. At this time, I did not care if I lost any more weight. My life was coming back. I was going to the gym, my diet started to change to what it is today, and I was happy. At that time, I had one blog entry in a blog that no one saw, and I refused to go on Facebook because I did not want to show my picture. When I left, I decided to jump on the huge scale they have. It goes to 300 pounds. I weighed 299. I could weigh myself there like any other normal person.

4. Wiping- I still do not know how it happened. One day I could not reach around. I had to maneuver myself so I could wipe my butt. But around the 340 mark, I was able to do it again. But right around 300 pounds, I could do it while sitting down. On the toilet seat. Like everyone else.

5. Clothes- Around that same time, I went to Dillards. It has been a long time since I went to a department store. Like one most people would have gone to. I remember picking up a pair of size 50 pants from their big and tall section and putting them on. They fit. I swore I would never shop at the Casual Male again.

6. XL- Nothing was better than going to Wal-Mart and putting on an XL shirt. I probably weighed around 255 at the time.

I think it is funny when people who are losing weight give advice, but when they gain, they stay away. That is when you learn the most from people. I will always get emails from people who do not get my point of view.

Why I do not want to be skinny.
Why I can not have a normal relationship with food.
Why I always say this will be a struggle.

Food is powerful. Losing weight does not fix it. It helps.

Maybe it is just me, but I can remember having great days, and then at the end of the night tell myself I will have a little treat, just because I did so well. An hour later, I have consumed 6000 calories.

I know this. I am glad. I know what to avoid now

I am powerful. I almost lost everything. But I kept breathing.

I was not dead.

I finally cared about what I lost.

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