With 2009 coming to an end, people are making their resolutions for 2010.
With that, many people are going to look all over the Internet and find weight loss success stories to motivate them.
In that mix, a few will find mine.
They will send me an email asking how I lost the weight, I will send them back the reply (Fruits Vegetables, working out, yadda yadda yadda), and then they will not find my answer so fun, and move on.
Trust me, it happened at the end of 2008.
So for the rest of this year, I am going to tell you my weight loss story the way you want to hear it. My creative variations.
By Tony Posnanski
Being 420 pounds was tough. I could not breathe properly or put on a seal belt.
Life was tough. I did not know how to lose the weight. I was scared!
One day, while looking on the Internet for porn, I noticed a banner on the top of my screen.
Actually, it was for a website with 35 year old women dressed like school girls.
After I pressed that, I noticed another banner that said “Lake Mary woman loses 75 pounds following one rule”
At 420 pounds I would do anything to lose weight.
Plus, I lived in Lake Mary?
It must have been fate that the link had a woman who lost weight in the exact town I lived in!
The Internet must care about my health!
Once I clicked on it, my computer crashed.
I got scared.
At 420 pounds, I needed to know that one simple rule for losing weight.
As quickly as a 420 pound person could move, I went downstairs and saw my dog. Maybe she would know.
“Help Bee, I am 420 pounds, I must know the one simple rule for losing weight.”
She looked at me and pooped on the floor.
“Hmmmm, poop….fiber! It must have something to do with fiber!” I thought.
I thanked my dog and wobbled out, leaving the poop for someone else to clean.
I called my wife and asked her the same thing:
“Rebecca, what is the one simple rule for losing weight?”
“What? I have no idea. Hey, I think I am in the mood for Applebee’s tonight.”
Apples. Hmmmm, something with fiber and apples. I was on the right track, yet could not figure out the one simple rule.
I went to my car and listened to “Die, Die My Darling” by the Misfits.
Believe it or not, but I was usually hungry at 420 pounds.
I stopped at the local 7/11 and got a ton of snacks.
When I started to eat, I thought for a minute…….
“Fiber, Apples, Mizfit and Slim Jim. Or is that Gym?”
I was feeling more confident about losing weight.
I knew that I was close to finding out the one simple rule.
I went home, and went upstairs. I was happy to see my computer was working again.
I clicked on the “Lake Mary woman loses 75 pounds following one rule” link and found out the rule!
She cut off a leg.
I cut off both of mine, lost 200 pounds, and went back to looking at porn.