"Fat Talk Free" week
TweetI do not remember the exact day it happened.
I think it was around the Winter of 2003.
But I remember the emotion.
I remember the horror.
I remember the moment that changed my life.
I was in the bathroom. I did not feel very good. When it was time for me to wipe, I could not do it.
At first I thought I did not position myself correctly. So I got up and tried again.
No luck.
I remember shaking my arm. Maybe something was wrong with being unable to reach?
No luck again.
Then I tried real hard. I was sweating. I put a leg up on the bathtub. I turned and twisted as much as I could.
Then it hit me. I could not wipe myself any longer.
I remember standing there, with tears rolling down my face.
I was a failure.
Things creep up on you when you get big.
Booths at restaurants seem smaller.
Pants do not fit if you do not wear them every day.
You get mad at airlines and car manufacturers because they do not make seats big enough.
Yet it is you who is getting larger
I never told anyone I could not wipe myself anymore. There were ways I kept myself clean, but they were horrible. I could have bought a “tool” from the Causal Male XL, then people would know my secret.
Yeah, some secret!
Yet it changed the person I was.
I always felt like I smelled. I would carry around a bottle of cologne to cover the “smell”.
I never wanted to be around people. I would tell my wife to leave me alone a lot. I would distance myself from everyone.
I hated myself.
I had pretty good self-esteem before that. I was over 300 pounds, and really did not care about my weight. People would tease, but I did not care.
Once that happened, my life stopped.
How could I be a great husband if I can not wipe myself?
How could I be a leader at work if I could not wipe myself?
How could I love myself if I could not wipe myself?
It consumed me. Yet, for years after, I would still eat like a maniac.
Then, in 2008, after a couple of months into my new lifestyle, at 353 pounds, I tried to wipe.
I was able to do so.
It was the second time I cried in a bathroom.
It never felt so good, and I realized I would never gain the weight again.
This post came about because I read about the word fat (which I have written about) and fat acceptance, and I guess this week is some sorority’s “Fat Talk Free” week.
I get the fact that people need a better self image. They should not put themselves down. They should not call themselves “fat” when they weigh 135 pounds, and they should love the great qualities about themselves.
But when you read my blog, remember one thing….
When you are 420 pounds, size 60 pants, 5xl shirt, unable to wipe yourself, and called lazy at work, words like fat and overweight do not hurt.
What hurts is looking in the mirror and not doing something about it.
The reason I read your blog so religiously is that your struggle and triumph are a metaphor for so many things in life. We all have areas of our life that we need to face if we're going to survive, yet sometimes we look the other way and let them get worse. Our credit report, our toxic relationships, drug addictions, whatever your demon is. It pops up in different forms for differnt people, but it's the same demon.
I love following you and even though obesity is not an issue for me, living healthfully and with respect for myself, abstaining from destructive habits, and facing difficult life issues head on all are. This is why I draw inspiration from you.
I could feel your pain reading this. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm so glad you broke free.
Thank you.
Granted the reason I cried in a bathroom one day was not the same…I had that very same moment in my life too.
I looked in the mirror, hated my body, hated myself for hating my body, and just lost it.
That happened on two ends of the spectrum actually…the too low point and the too high point.
Now I reside somewhere in the middle and sometimes I forget what that day felt like. The total misery of feeling like I'd dug a hole I'd never dig out of. How embarrasing and depressing it was.
This post reminded me…brought tears to my eyes actually.
Thank you. For many things. Thank you.
Your description, especially of pushing your wife away, made me cry.
Although I used to weigh over 400lbs, I never had that problem, but plenty of others made up for it! I've still got a way to go, but I'm getting there and I'll never take my slimmer body for granted every again.
Your posts are real thought-provokers.
One of the things I love about your blog is the brutal honesty. Thanks for sharing
Your blog is so honest and sometimes raw … always thought provoking. I'm new to your blog but will follow your success.
Sometimes I wish I had gotten bigger so I'd have better stories.
I guess it's not too late…
Strong stuff, T.
I've been around men who I thought smelled like poop and I wondered if they were able to wipe themselves. What a touching post this was. I love your blog.
Cindie
The things we put ourselves through! You're a very strong person, Tony.
That honesty is pretty potent.
I remember there was a time when I was in a friends van and I couldn't snap the seat belt.
I know those white plastic lawn chairs still freak me out.
Maybe it takes looking directly at the darkest thing facing you to really make a change. Be it a heart attack for some, a near death experience, or a doctor telling you that you will die soon if you don't do something.
I know for me part of that modivation isn't a fear of death… but a fear of not living life more fully.
I'm currently unable to "wipe" the mess of my general egsistance. It's taking time but I need to clean it all up… then take what good pieces I can find and see if I can build something totally new!
At Foolsfitness it's about the sweat of being in the human race.-Alan
I wasn't there, but I was getting there. The one thing I couldn't do was reach my toenails. They were fugly….I know my husband thought I just didn't care. I did, but I was just too fat. I showered twice a day cause I always thought I stunk. Good post tony.
Wow, Tony! I must say, when I came here to read your blog tonight, I didn't expect to see what you have written. It is exactly what I needed to see, though. I have been at that place. I have become an expert at scoping out the "perfect" bathroom stall so that I won't have that problem. Of course, there are times when that stall does not exist. Then, there's anger towards those people who have to make them so small, who have to put the stupid toilet roll dispensers so damn close to the toilet, like, really, what would it hurt to put the friggin things up higher? Then there's the annoyance that the handicap toilets are so tall and that makes things complicated for me! Yeah, I've been there. And I get so mad at everyone, including myself, but then what do I do to fix the only thing I can? (ME?) Well, so far, not enough! I mean, yeah.. I don't have this problem right now most days, but the fear is there. All it would take would be a poorly designed bathroom stall and I could be right back there.
Thank you, for your honesty, Tony! I needed it to get myself back on track, to remember why I need to do better, and to complete this journey I've set out to do. You have done an amazing job, and I realize that most of us aren't going to have as extraordinary results as you… Especially when I am so bad at making the better choices that would help me succeed.
Keep up the great work!
Very powerful post…thank you!
Oh Tony! This post made me cry. I feel so bad for that person you're talking about. It breaks my heart. Mainly because I know there are other people out that with the same problem and who are struggling so very hard to do what you've done. It's just so darn sad.
But you've done it and you give people hope that it's possible and totally do-able. You rock as usual Tony.
I'm so glad you've found your way…Maybe through your words, someone else can too.
Shit Tony! As powerful a post as you could ever write! You spill your guts to try to help people wake up before they join you in that bathroom.