Today I did something that I have not done in a while…

I bought a new workout outfit.

It has been a while. Most of my hoodies and sweat shorts are XL, so they are big on me. I have a few large as well, but they are a little big on me.

No, today I splurged and bought a pair of medium wind-breaker type pants and a matching fleece “ultra-dry” shirt.

When I went to the gym I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a “tool”.

I do not mean that in a horrible way, because my wife said I looked kind of cute in my gear.

No, I looked like “that guy”.

The ToolBold
By Tony Posnanski

When I go to the gym, you can call me Tupac because “All Eyes Are On Me”. Why you might ask…..

Because I am the tool!

When you say hi to me, I will not wave at you. I will nod my head or use my thumb and index finger to make an imaginary gun. Why you might ask….

Because I am the tool!

When you ask me what is on my I Pod, I will tell you some obscure band that you have never heard of (Even though it is Taylor Swift I am jamming to):

“It is Space Star Moon’s Remix of Foster Seven.”

You will say:

“Awesome, I will have to Google that when I get home.”

Why you might ask….

Because I am the tool!

When I twitter, I will only mention myself:

@antijared RT @antijared You are so Rad!

Rad?

Oh yeah, I am bringing it back. Why you might ask….

Because I am the tool!

When I answer the phone I will not say “Hello”. Nope, I will put one finger in the air and say

Holla!!!!!”

Why you might ask…

Because I am the tool!

I will get a Dallas Cowboy’s Jersey with Tony Romo’s number on it, but put POSNANSKI on the back. Yep, I should have played for the Cowboys! Why you might ask…

Because I am the tool!

I am going to get a pair of sunglasses with an enormous letter on the side. Either a Big C or D.

Are they Dior?
Are they Dolce?
Are they Channel?
Are they Dockers?

You will wonder. Why you might ask…..

Because I am the tool!

I will know your name but call you Chief, Tiny, Playa, or Boss. Why you might ask….

Because I am the tool!

I will get a huge tattoo of a roulette wheel on my back with the words “spin the wheel” underneath. Why you might ask…

Because I am the tool!

I will put on cologne that is hip. No Cool Water that made the smell go away in eighth grade. No, something like dat there Juicy Jimmy Carter.

Why you might ask…..

Because I am the tool!

I do not drink, but will tell you my favorite beer is some micro brew you have never heard of but it kind of tastes like Coors Light. Why you might ask…

Because I am the tool!

I will…..

What?

Okay, got to go. Time to feed the baby and tell my wife I love her.

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